Sound Effects

Our preschooler EB is standing in Hubs's lap eating a Rice Krispies treat.

EB: Snap, crackle, pop!
Hubs [grimacing]: I think she's talking about my nuts.

The Price You Pay

We're at a restaurant and Hubs is looking over our check.

Hubs: Man, you're expensive.
Me: I know. I shouldn't have gotten the appetizer.
Hubs: Oh. I wasn't even talking about the bill.

Don't Quit Your Day Job

We're leaving dinner.

Hubs: Do you want to stop for anything on the way home?  Drink? Snack?
Me: No, I'm full. But pleasantly full.
Hubs: That's my porn name. Pleasantly Full.

Optimus Past His Prime

The baby has just broken the preschooler's princess headband and we're trying to keep her from freaking out.

Hubs: Anything your sister breaks, we can either fix or replace, sweetheart.  [He pauses and sighs.] Unless it's Optimus Prime.
Me: What?
Hubs: My parents bought him before Transformers got popular and they stashed him away. By Christmas you couldn't find them anywhere so when I opened him up on Christmas morning I was SO EXCITED. Then an hour later I jumped off the couch and landed on him and broke his leg off. I cried and cried.
Me: Aww.  How old were you?
Hubs: I don't know. Like fourteen?

Spin Doctor

The baby shoves a whole waffle fry in her mouth. 

Hubs: You're going to have to get that out of there.
Me: Meh. She'll spit it out. And besides, it's a waffle fry; it has air holes. It's like the Lifesavers of potatoes.
Hubs: You should be in advertising.

Staying Positive

I'm lying in bed watching Netflix on my tablet when Hubs walks in.

Hubs: Why aren't you watching that on the TV?
Me: Um. . . it hadn't occurred to me. And you're always yelling at me for not using my tablet enough. Apparently I can't do anything right technologically.
Hubs: Not with that attitude, you can't.

There Is Such a Thing as a Free Lunch

We're getting ready to go eat dinner. Hubs is wearing shorts and nothing else.

Hubs: I might just go like this. We might get a discount.
Me: Like a "Dear god just take it and get out of here" discount?
Hubs: Hey. A discount is a discount.