Meatloaf

Me:  I just took a little less than three pounds of ground beef and turned it into a little more than six pounds of meatloaf.
Hubs:  Good job.
Me:  There are 1950s housewives who didn't do that well.
Hubs: Jesus didn't do that well.

Team Edward

Hubs has a new boss named Edward, and there have been jokes about working on "Team Edward".

Me:  Well, if I had to choose between vampire and werewolf, vampire's the way to go.
Hubs:  So you're saying you don't want big hairy balls?
Me:  I just figure if he can lick his own balls, he doesn't need me.
Hubs:  So you're saying you want to lick balls?  I'm pretty sure that's what I heard you say.

Peanuts (the other kind)

We're watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas".

Me:  I love that Snoopy never makes a sound, but he laughs out loud.
Hubs:  I know.
Me:  And by "love", I mean it creeps me out.
Hubs:  Good to know for future reference.
Me:  I love you.
Hubs:  You went there fast, didn't you?

Litter Boxes

I'm lamenting my cats' bathroom habits.

Me:  What is the fascination with taking a dump in a freshly cleaned litter box?
Mom:  I couldn't say; I've never tried it myself.

Stupidity

A song comes on.

Hubs:  Hey, it's The Strokes.
Me (listening...):  Isn't that The White Stripes?
Hubs:  You are correct.  See?  That's why I married you; you keep me in line.
Me:  Aww.
Hubs:  I swear I used to be smart.
Me:  I know.  That's why I married you.

Peanuts

Me:  I'm so glad I don't have a peanut allergy. I like too many things with peanuts in them.  Like peanut butter.  And Snickers.  And... I can't think of anything else, but that seems like enough.
Hubs (scoffing):  Snickers don't have peanut butter.
Me:  PEA-NUT-SAAAA.

Illness

My parents have head colds.  We met them for dinner, toddler in tow.

Hubs:  I hope you guys didn't give her syphillis or anything.
Me:  Jesus!
Hubs:  Wait... That's an STD, isn't it?