Braaaaains

We're at home at night and Hubs disappears. I can't find him anywhere. Finally he shows up from outside.

Me: I was actually starting to worry about you.
Hubs, mimicking me: "Did a zombie get him? What happened? Please leave a body, please leave a body."
Me: Ooh, I hadn't thought about that. How long does it take for them to declare you dead so I can get the insurance payout?

Racist Pumpkins

I convinced Hubs to buy a ginormous white pumpkin the other night. It literally needed its own grocery cart and it may be the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I was showing pictures of it to my boss, who's a smartass.

Boss: Is that a white pumpkin?
Me: Yes. Isn't it awesome?
Boss: What are you, racist?
Me: Yes. I'm going to go home and decorate it with blackface.

Size Matters, Part Deux

Me: Why didn't you park there?
Hubs: I didn't think I could fit in that spot, but once I got closer I realized it was bigger than I thought it was.
Me: I hope that's not what he said.
Hubs: Like landing an airplane in a hangar.
Me: Throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

Savage Zit

Me: I have a massive zit right at the opening of my nostril.
Hubs: Those hurt like a bitch.

He notices that the radio has switched to a Savage Garden song, cringes, and changes the channel.

Me (still inspecting my nose): I'm so pissed about this stupid thing.
Hubs: You better stop; you're turning me on.
Me: I know. Between the zit talk and the Savage Garden, you don't stand a chance.

Vapor Lock

We're at my parents' house and my mom is flipping through random jpeg files on her laptop, many of which are ecards.

My mom: Do you know why men snore when they lie on their backs?
Hubs: No.
My mom: Because their balls cover their butthole, creating a vapor lock.
Me: Do you know how many reasons I have to castrate you now?

TWSS #1

Hubs is sitting on the floor trying to fix a broken computer and the cat keeps rubbing on the wireless keyboard, pushing buttons.

Hubs: Quit rubbing on it!
Me: That's what she said.
Hubs: You'll make it go off!

Selective Hearing

Me:  Did you know we can sign up for Costco before they open next month?  They're taking new members at that hotel by my parents' house.
Hubs:  I told you that two weeks ago.
Me:  You did?
Hubs:  Yes.  I told you we could beat the crowds, so we should do it.
Me:  I probably heard "do it" and just tuned you out.
Hubs:  Oh.  I can't blame you.